No matter what I do, you're always mad...and I can't change your mind

I really can't take much more of my mother. She's not who I used to know. She's not who I used to love. She's no longer the person who wrapped me in her arms every day and promised to love me forever. She's a stranger.
People don't understand how I can talk about my mother like this. They meet her and are instantly taken with her charm, her cleverness, and her kindness. Well let me just say this, she's as fake as the girls that I called my friends in high school.
In fourth grade, she sent me to live with my grandma, because she didn't like how I became jealous of all the attention Jacob was getting. Meaning she was upset that I wanted any attention. I finally got to come back after a year. In ninth grade, I was taken out of school to be sent to a girls' home. A week before midterms. So yeah, I received zeros on every single exam and failed every class, which I was making straight A's in. Four months later, a week after I got out of that horrid place, I was sent to Lone star Expeditions. Maybe you saw Brat Camp on ABC, maybe you didn't. It's a place where you're sent to fend in the wilderness. You can only shower once a week. You're not allowed to shave. Actually, it wasn't that bad. I would've preferred that then Holy Highway. Of course you're not allowed to eat normal foods there so when I finally got out of there, after spending 56 days in the woods and camping, I wanted normal food. Subway, well mom was infuriated that I didn't ask what they wanted to eat. Excuse me for craving normal food after eating oatmeal every morning and the closest thing to normal dinner was freaking hot dogs. Anyway, for my grounding throughout high school, after I was able to drive, they would send me to my grandmother's every weekend. They called it punishment for me, I called it vacation for them.
When you're sent away so many times, the people that tell you not to worry about it, that your parents still love you and always will, those statements start to seem like lies.
But I'm here to talk about today though, I called my mom, to try to reassure myself that I could still try, to keep her in my life. Even if that meant only over the phone. Well, turns out no matter what I do, it'll never be good enough. She's always mad. And I can't change her mind, and I'm done trying to.
It might not matter to anyone else, but if you have parents who love you dearly, congrats. I envy you. I think that's all I'm gonna complain about tonight. As for my mother, I no longer consider her significant in my life. I'll let you know if that changes, but don't hold your breath.

Easy A and a whole lot of random

The movie Easy A holds a lot of truths. In high school, if a girl sleeps with someone, they are labled a bimbo for the rest of their high school existence. In the movie it doesn't say it, but it certainly implies that when guys sleep with someone, they get a shot of vodka and a high five and are labled a hero for the rest of their high school existence. It's really horrible but none the less it's true.
 It also shows how certain Christains, not all of them, but there are some, that like to shove their beliefs down other people's throats. I went to this horrible girls' home for behavioral issues, called Holy Highway. It should've been called Holy Hell(I'm saving my hatred for this place for another blog). Anyway, I went there loving God, but ended up hating Him in the end because they shoved Him down my throat so much, I choked. It's no big deal now though, I have my faith back, I just believe in God and not religion. Anyway, these kids at my college that call themselves Real Talk, well some of them wanted me to go to church with them.I had expalined how I don't attend church because of my past experiences. I feel like people there are just like the kids in high school, stuck up snobs, that are sooo hyprocrital. You know the kind, the ones that shun certain people for their wrong doings but like to gossip and makes those people's lives hell on earth. They make people who are different feel like they don't belong in God's house. If you are one of these people, why don't you go read the Bible and tell me what it says about gossip? Oh and the part about a sin being a sin. They are all the same. It doesn't matter if you murder someone or start a rumor, in God's eyes it's all the same. Which I don't neccessarily agree with, but I'm not God, and I don't make the rules.Oh and by the way, stop making other's lives a nightmare. It's God's house, not your's.
Anyway the only unrealistic part of the movie is the end. No guy is that romantic. I will never find a guy like that anyway. I feel like I'm so alone right now. I've been thinking a lot about that too. About how much I miss having a boyfriend. Even the clingy ones. The one's I complained about all the time, and broke up with out of boredness. At least I had someone. Someone who cared about me. Someone who accepted me.
My own mom and dad won't even accept me. They probably never will. It really bums me out. I mean if I'm not good enough for someone who is biologically suppossed to love me unconditionally and doesn't..how am I suppossed to believe that I'll be good enough for anyone else? I'm not even good enough for me right now. It sucks. I can't really explain how much it hurt on Christmas morning to wake up and it just be another day. It's two a.m. and I really don't even care about my spelling or grammar. I just can't sleep. I want to. Can't.
Why can't life be simple? Why do I have emotions? Why is the grass green? Who am I? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yep sing that in the tune of fa la la la la la la la la. it's quite fun. i just misspelt fun into fune. I really need to go to sleep. I just don't want to. I'm starting to think I really am an insomniac. Which would suck, because dreamland is a lotttt better than reality. I guess I should try to get to sleep though. If you took anything out of this blog. If you even read it. Can you let me know if you ever feel like you're not good enough? And tell me how you handle it. I really think there's no use in complaining, especially over the internet, if you don't ask for advice on how to fix it. But anyway enough of my blubbering. Goodnight world.

fa la la la la la la la blaaahhhh

Well it's Christmas Eve...day. I haven't actually given thought about what I plan to do in life. I mean, I have dreams. Who doesn't though? I mean I have these thoughts about what I want want to do, but I have no plan on how to make it possible. I know what I want the end of my plan to be, the destination of my journey. The journey though, I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do. The end result is me in New York City, defying all the doubt and people telling me it won't happen. I see myself in an office, full of books that I have helped bring to life, or well bring to the shelves of bookstores and people that share my same passion. Reading for me is like breathing. It's a vital need for me. It's an escape and a learning experience for me. Each time I read a book I learn something from it. If I reread the same book, I usually learn something something else. Book editing would be the ideal perfect job for me. Unpublished books at my fingertips, helping them get a binding and making someone famous. Speaking of which, I can just see myself chatting with Kevin Brooks (my favorite author of all time). Have you read his stuff? It's awesome! Lucas is by far my favorite, but Candy is a close second. I can't really even explain how much that job would be perfect for me, not only because I would rock at it, but also because no one could be better for it than me.
Back to my main point though, the journey to get to my destination..I have no idea where to begin. I guess the first point should be college, and if it wasn't so damn expensive I would jump right into my Spring semester. I can't though, I'm broke. So for now, I'll need to get a job. Doing what though? I researched book editing about.com and it seems that most people that go into it only have a B.A. usually in English or literature. I was planning on majoring in English lit. anyway. So I'm set for that. I don't actually want to be this age anymore though. I want to be an adult already. I hate that this age is so complicated. A lot of my friends still don't know what they want to be. I do. So why am I stuck here? Anyway, I guess my plan will have to consist of certain points. 

• Get a job so I can make money for college
• Get into college, hopefully a good one.
• Finish college with my B.A. and at least a 3.5 GPA
• Move to New York when I have acquired enough money, which is going to be a lot.
• Go ahead and get another job just in case finding the one I want takes a while.
• Get my dream job
• Live happily ever after doing what I love to do.

The End. I know this was a long blog for Christmas Eve, but I'm already 19 years old, and I figured it was time to get my head on straight and my blueprints for life in order. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

tell the devil i said hey when you get back to where you're from.

So everything I've said up to this point doesn't mean anything. I litterly worked my butt off when I went to visit my parents. I mopped, vacummed, dusted, and cleaned some more. Why did I get yelled at though? Because I sprayed some fabreeze and my mother didn't like how it smelled. See the house is on sell, and she's a perfectionist. So everything has to smell like roses and look like a Home and Garden room. The entire time I was there though I felt like a sellout. Instead of voicing my opinion or being myself, I had to keep my mouth shut and agree with everything that my mother said. I had to be someone I'm not. I didn't even care though, I felt like I finally had my family back. Too bad I was completely wrong. I'll never have a family again. My mother as far as that goes is just a egg donar to me. She used to be a good mom though. Before she got rich. Before she bought $10,000 coffee tables and $50,000 couches. We used to live in an apartment, she used to work 3 jobs to put food in my stomache. Now, she's buying my brother itouches and cell phones and forgetting she even purchased them. That's not what even bugs me the most though. What bugs me the most is that I don't have a family to go home to this Christmas. For the first time in my life, at 19, when I wake up on Christmas morning I won't get to open presents with my family. My cousin says the pain won't ever go away, the pain of not having a family. He says that it'll always be there, but it lessens. I think he still hurts over losing his mom and then losing his dad to the devil's daughter. I can't imagine what he went through. He says we're the black sheeps of the family. The misfits. But that we shouldn't cry over it. We should embrace it and overcome it, be successful and then smile at them. My cousin's the first person in our family to get his masters and now he's going after his PhD. I'm so proud of him. My mother resents him. I don't really care anymore. I don't care about my bipolar materialistic vindictive mother, I don't care about my whipped father, I don't care about my spoiled brother. I am just fine by myself. I'm not worried about them any more and I won't stress over them loving me anymore. I will be myself, and I will be successful because of who I am and what I do. They'll regret giving me hell one day and when that day comes I will smile and thank them for all their hateful words. They made me who I am. Merry freaking Christmas.

"I'm proud of you"

Aside from today I can't remember the last time my mother was proud of me. I know it might sound bad, but there are reasons for that. I didn't make the kind of choices that would make a mother proud when I was growing up. I don't want to go into details about what kind of choices those were because I am not even proud of them. In fact, I regret a lot of my life.

My mother and father would have given me anything I had asked for, had I been a different kind of kid. My dad told me over and over and over again that if I had just helped around the house or offered to help with a geniune spirit. I never did. I would behave for a couple days, and then give up once I didn't get any applause or huge reward. They never told me they were proud of me when I would try to help. If I helped I would oftenly and loudly complain.. They didn't say they were proud of me ever. Maybe it had something to do with the hell they were having to live through month after month, and year after year. Day after day.
After my brother was born he took over. I think it was because he made them so proud. Everyone goes on about what a great kid he is. Everyone goes on about how beautiful he is. Everyone talks about the golden child that never does any wrong. He really doesn't though, and when he does it's excused because it's so rare. I used to resent him for it. I used to hate him because I thought he took away my parents. But I was always wrong to do that. I really was. He IS such a great kid. He earns all the rewards and applause that he gets because he is the best kid I know. He would do anything for anyone. He has a good heart and a great spirit about him that brings joy to others. I love him for that. I love that he is my brother and that I get the privilage to know him and be his big sister. All those years I spent hating him I should have been trying to be like him. He used to try to hint at me when I was messing up so that I wouldn't get into trouble with my parents. You might think that this is about my mother or my father being proud of me and in a way it is. But the person that told me this powerful touching statement was my brother. My 9 year old brother that I look up to. Maybe someday I'll be able to be like him, maybe someday I'll be able to set the example.
I love my parents and I know they love me. They've shown me every day for my entire life. They might not say that they're proud of me yet, but I know they are. They've shown me that too lately. I've finally realized what they've been telling me all along. That if I just help them out, show them that I appreciate them. I will be rewarded. Not in items that they buy for me, but with the love they give me. I don't really know what I would do without my family. I don't know who'd I be. I'm not going to chance finding out though.
Dear Jacob,
I love your existance. I'm sorry that I hated you for so long, I want you to know I let jealousy get to the best of me. It ate through my soul and got to my heart. Luckily I let God in just in time to show me what a great person you really are. I want you to know I am so proud of you and the person you are. I am so proud to be your sister. I know in the future we will have our tussels but I want you to know we will always have each other. I will always be here for you and I will protect you in every legal way possible. I also promise to look out for you, the way you continued looking out for me, even when I was a jerk to you. I'm so sorry and I hope that one day you can forgive me. You have nothing to be sorry about. You did nothing wrong and I want you to know that. I love you more than the sun and the moon and the stars and the whole wide world.
love,
Britt.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today was Thanksgiving, it was a wonderful day. I realized I had a lot to be thankful for. Out of all days to realize it, today was that day. I think it was the birthday card my mom gave me that really brought it to my attention. It was like it was customed made. My mother and I haven't really gotten along for quite a while..but today was very different. "I'm not sure why i wait for special occasions to tell you how much I love you, because that feling is always with me. From the minute I first held you in my arms, you've had a special place in my heart. And even though we've had our share of differences, I've never stopped loving you, not for a moment. You're a wonderful daughter, and you deserve to hear that more than I tell you, because you're more special than words could ever say." I must say that all three times that I have read it, I've cried, because that card is us. And I really needed to hear that. Especially since my family is moving 8 hours away from me. A few states away actually. Even though I won't see them quite as often I am so thankful I have them. They all have great qualites that I've over-looked for about 10 years now. They might not have given me everything that I wanted and I felt that I was entitled to, but they tried their hardest to make me happy. I don't want to make this long so I'll just leave you with this I think we should be grateful for things that we are blessed with every day, not just on Thanksgiving. I also think we should be a little less upset about the things we don't have or didn't get way back in the day. I am ashamed of the way that I have acted over the past 10 years towards my family, because I am lucky to even have a family.